Shortly after our beautiful June wedding last year we decided to start trying for a family. I was almost done university and we thought it would be easier to start a family now then to wait for school to end and me to find a permanent contract from which I could claim maternity leave. Did you know it takes the average couple 1 year of trying before they conceive? I sure didn’t. We did the responsible thing, I went to talk to the Doctor before we actually started TTC to get advice make sure everything was good to go. She told me to start taking prenatal vitamins asap and that if things went as they usually did she would see me again with some good news shortly after Christmas. I kinda thought she was joking, that seemed like a really long time to me, I really thought we would conceive within the first month or two of trying. However she seems to be the baby whisperer because sure enough, we conceived shortly after Christmas and found out the beginning of January that we were going to be parents.
The process gave me so much respect for couple that have been TTC for years and have tried all there is to try. 6 Months was torture. Every month when I found out I wasn’t pregnant I honestly cried. I started to wonder if there was something wrong with me. I felt like this was just one more thing in life that I wanted so badly but that I was bound to fail at this too. I’m not going to lie, it quickly consumed me and that probably slowed down the process. My husband clearly felt the weight of it as well as months kept going by without a positive. We were both in our “prime” years and very healthy. After a few months without success I started keeping track of my cycle on a calendar trying to track ovulation, I don’t even want to know how much money I spent on ovulation tests and “early” pregnancy tests.
When December hit I was worn out. I was stressed because of finals and writing my last papers, Christmas, the lack of a baby that I think a part of me just stopped caring. I stopped keeping track of everything, didn’t buy tests, went out with my friends and drank to celebrate being done school and stuffed my face with Christmas goodies. I was very lucky and wrote my last final on a Friday and was offered a full time job starting on the Monday.
By the end of December, beginning of January something just wasn’t right. I felt like I was spiralling into depression. I couldn’t sleep, I was incredibly stressed out at work, I would cry at work in the back warehouse on a regular basis. I couldn’t handle being around people so I started eating my lunch in the warehouse too. I thought maybe it was just my cycle coming again and that I was PMS-ing. However, it just kept getting worse. My boss who had known me well over five years and worked as my supervisor before kept asking me what was wrong, why I wasn’t working up to my potential. The only answer I could give her was “I don’t know, I just don’t feel like myself.”
On January 19 I went to do a photo shoot of an adorable little newborn boy. I have been trying to learn more about photography for a while and a good friend of mine was in town doing a shoot and offered for me to tag along. When I held this new baby in my arms in the company of an old friend I felt calm. I just kept thinking that soon enough I would get a baby of my own and that I just needed to accept that it was out of my hands and that at the end of the day I had an amazing husband who loved and cherished me and that that was enough for me.
I left the photoshoot and it was blizzarding. I wiped the car off but by the time I got back into it the windows were so covered with snow I could barely see. The drive home felt like it took hours and my little hatchback is not made for the winter roads. I drove slow and took side roads so I wouldn’t feel the pressure of heavy traffic. As I approached home I decided to stop and stretch my legs and run into the pharmacy to grab another test.
I rushed home and ran upstairs past my husband to take the test (having sat in the car for several hours I really needed to go). I kept reading and re-reading the directions. No lines the test didn’t work. One line the test worked. Two lines there was a baby on the way. (I really wanted to buy a nice digital one that just said pregnant/not pregnant but they didn’t have any). I took the test and stared at it. The first line appeared, and slowly, I started to see a faint second line. I ran back downstairs and showed it to my husband and asked if he saw the second line too. I will never forget how calm he stayed. He reminded me that you are supposed to wait a couple minutes before reading the test and that we needed to wait a while longer. He put the test down on the coffee table and we sat. and sat. and waited. and sat. When we looked at it again there were 2 strong dark lines. I just looked at him in complete disbelief. Could it really be true? Could we have really created another life? Hubby says that part of the reason he was so calm was because he already knew I was pregnant. He was smarter than I was and attributed my hormone rollercoaster to pregnancy. I, on the other hand, was a nervous wreck until we actually heard it from the doctor. “Oh hi, I’m just calling from the Doctors office to follow-up with you. Congrats Mrs. C the test showed you were pregnant”
After that I couldn’t stop smiling. Well until morning sickness set in….
Next Pregnancy Post: What I learnt the hard way, What I would do differently next time, and What I would do the same.