You Know You’re Really Pregnant When…

 

Ahh the pregnancy glow, the cute waddle, the big belly bump. Pregnancy is the most wonderful miracle ever. Right? *cough cough* maybe? I mean it is pretty cool if you think about it, the biological process. The fact our bodies just know what to do but here are some of the things that make up the ugly side of pregnancy that you probably don’t know about. I mean I knew I should expect to be uncomfortable, hot, & swollen. I heard that I would probably sweat more, I knew clothes weren’t going to fit the same way. I tried to be educated and early on googled “things no one tells you about being pregnant” and mostly I found things no one tells you about being a new mom….bleeding, padscicles, trying to poop for the first time after delivery etc. not pretty! I’m glad that I googled those early though it was nice to know that I needed to stock up on gigantic pads we all initially wore when the periods started early so I could brace myself for it but there were so many things about actually being pregnant that no one ever told me. I mean we grow up hearing ladies don’t sweat…they glow…and other tales of vacuous crap! Why would anyone feel the need to tell us this stuff?

1) The Belly is More of an Obstacle Than You Think

Sure the belly looks really cute when you see some 8 months into it lady waddling down the street but have you thought about these?

  • You can’t really bend over so simple tasks like shaving your legs or cutting your toe nails become very difficult
  • You can’t really bend over so putting on pants/underwear is pretty much the equivalent of running a marathon…seriously you’ll need a break after-assuming you managed to do it without falling, if you fell and have to get yourself up then you’ll really need a break
  • The belly is putting pressure on your everything….your lady parts hurt from the pressure, your bladder is lacking the control it once had (Ive done my kegels….still pee a little bit when I sneeze or blow my nose…not fun!) your back hurts, well pretty much your everything hurts
  • You can’t see your lady parts….its like magic! You put underwear on…look down and they’re gone! Also unless you wax the days of easy grooming are far behind you. If you do wax you are going to be swollen down there too…oww!
  • Rolling over at night becomes painful, sleeping on your back is out of the question (though you shouldn’t do it anyways) and getting out of bed (which you will do several times a night) is akin to a turtle (or this little puppy) being trapped on its back.
  • You have to use the handicap stall because you can’t close the door of a regular stall

2) Going to the bathroom (#2) may be a luxury of the past

Constipation is super normal while pregnant. Along with that comes wonderful trumpets of smelly gas. Attractive right? There are lots of different remedy out there. Tim Horton’s is a personal fav.

3) Ready to feel 14 again?!?!

Well you have heard about the pregnancy hormones. You can expect to cry over small things and get enraged over smaller things. You are also probably going to get that wonderful teenage acne again! Up your back and shoulders and face and arms and ugh! It sucks, also nothing fits right. I have maternity jeans that I have to wiggle on because my hips and butt have grown too much even for them. Yay self-esteem booster!!

4) Remember that level of exhaustion you felt after______ (building a fence, running a marathon, moving, etc.) hello again! Except every day all day

While you aren’t making the baby in the sense that you would make a bookshelf from Ikea you are still forming life. That is EXHAUSTING! I have been getting 10 hours of “sleep” a night (really no where near that with bathroom breaks and restless attempts to roll over). Plus I try and nap everyday. Without a nap I am seriously dragging my ass. This briefly went away in the second trimester and then came right back in the third! No sleep=grumpy, extra hormones=grumpy. Ah pregnancy is so much fun!

5) You may become insanely itchy….like you went to bed with a bunch of mosquitoes itchy

Your skin is swelling and your tummy is growing rapidly. The skin begins to feel like it can’t possible stretch anymore and it itches. The only thing I have found that helps is a warm bath at night and a whole lot of body butter.

6) Long before you go into labour you will wake up in pain…lots of pain.

Being pregnant you are prone to getting massive leg cramps especially in the calf. I have been pretty lucky and only get them once a week or so, but they hurt enough that i wake up and shoot up defying the sources of gravity to try and massage the cramp out. Other times I wake up with a braxton hick or a particularly well placed kick to the rib and the fun part hasn’t even started yet!

7) Ya Hemorrhoids…you’ll probably get those too. Especially if you stand a lot at work.

8) Pregnancy Diet is a lot of fun if you choose to stick with it

Here are things that I have not eaten in 8 months and miss dearly

  • “under cooked meat” so that juicy steak with the red stripe down the middle is gone. Well done steaks suck.
  • Runny and under cooked eggs. I can’t try my cookie dough when I bake, no hallandaise sauce, no delicious runny yolk with my poached or fried eggs which I love so much. I like to pop the yolk and then mix it with a little bit of ketchup and dip toast in it….mmmmmmm
  • No soft cheeses….so no feta for me
  • Lunch meat. Subway we will meet again soon!!! I want a delicious ham sub on Italian herb and cheese bread with lettuce, tomato, cucumber, & light mayo. I know simple and boring. But I want it and i want it now.
  • Bean Sprouts. What is pad thai without bean sprouts??
  • (There are a lot of restrictions on seafood too but I don’t miss seafood cause I don’t like it)
  • Tea. there are some teas which are “safe” and some teas are not safe. So while one brand of Peppermint Tea may be ok for example another brand may not be. Easier to just stay away from tea
  • Aspartame. I’m not really a diet soda drinker but it is also in crystal light. Try drinking 2-3L of water every day without flavouring it once in a while. Bleech! (I put frozen fruit in it)

9) Discharge. Lots of it 🙂

Between an increase in discharge, sweating, occasional dribbles of pee and as you get further along potentially pieces of your mucus plug you will probably want to invest in panty liners.

10) Intimacy can be difficult

Sex is awkward, the days of cuddling on the couch are gone cause you don’t both fit anymore. You are probably feeling as attractive as you did when you were 14 (lucky you if that was good time….not so much over here). Making time (and finding energy) for your marriage can become really difficult. Don’t give up though! remember these may be the last weeks you have just the two of you so make the most of it.

To me, these are the things they need to tell you in Sex Ed in school. Don’t have sex because if you end up pregnant you will have to deal with these things. Isn’t that so much scarier than the usual “you will have a life time commitment or have to choose to abort or adopt and you will have to grow up fast….etc.” Our little secret as adults is that its all worth it. I know without a doubt, even with a little over 6 weeks to go, that this is all 100% worth it….but we don’t need to tell the kids that. We could just scare them instead.

On that note…this room is insanely hot and I am sweaty and thirsty so that’s all for today folks.

 

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