Between the anticipation of knowing that I am only a month away from the big due date and the extreme physical discomfort I’ve pretty much given up on sleeping. Fortunately I am not working so these long nights of tossing and turning can be counter-balanced by long naps during the day while husband is at work. I know that I could skip the nap (sometimes naps) and spend a day tired so that I can “sleep through the night” but with the physical discomfort and constant trips to the bathroom what is the point? (baby is sitting heavy on my cervix and bladder right now…I can usually sleep for an hour and a half to two hours before having to get up and pee) Besides soon I will be getting into an infants sleeping patterns so why not start now?
I find the social constructs of pregnancy to be utterly fascinating. In particular I have been having a lot of difficultly with this one. For some reason, social constructs say that It is not okay to say you hate being pregnant. This somehow insinuates that you are ungrateful for your miracle or that you don’t want your child. I find this to be as ridiculous as saying, “you have to eat all the food on your plate because children in Africa are starving” I’m sorry but how is making myself obese going to help the children in Africa?? Similarly, just because I hate being pregnant does not mean that I have less empathy for people who have difficulties getting pregnant or can’t conceive. In fact I have more empathy for them because if they do manage to conceive, socially speaking, that woman has no right to complain. You know dang well that the couple who tried for a baby for years and then has a miserable pregnancy cannot complain because if she did she would hear “you wanted this..” well no Sherlock, she did not want this. She wanted a family, a child, a perfect biological combination of herself and her lover. She wanted to be a mother. No one in their right mind tries to conceive for the soul purpose of morning sickness, swollen extremities and pure exhaustion. These are unfortunate crinkles that either evolution or god (depending on your beliefs) hasn’t quite wrinkled out yet.
People complain all the time. First world problems are so rampant. “I want to eat the cake…but I don’t want to break my diet” “This steak isn’t cooked properly” “This lady at work is so annoying” “I had to wait for the bus in the rain” “I am never drinking again” etc. So why can’t pregnant women complain? This is the most miserable I have ever been and over the longest period of time. However if I dare to say anything negative, or count down the days until the due date I get berated. Or I hear all these wonderful cliches that also seem to be part of some weird “buck up soldier” social construct. If I had a dollar for every time I heard “You are going to miss being pregnant” or “Soon you will be wishing for these days back” or some other rendition of that general meaning I would be rich. Even complete strangers will approach me and say “Oh you must be almost done now…aren’t you going to miss it?” Then a personal battle develops…do I hold true to this weird social woman code and say in my sweetest voice ever “I know! I can’t believe its been 9 months already, I’m going miss these little kicks” or do I hold true to… well the truth…and say “Ugh are you friggen kidden me? This has been the longest 9 months of my life and if he punches me in the cervix one more time I am going to lose my shit”
As I was laying in bed attempting to sleep I decided to count the things I will miss about being pregnant instead of counting sheep….I wasn’t very successful and thought maybe I should blog about it and inspiration will come
Here’s my list.
1) I will miss the small victory that is parking in the expectant mothers parking…although I always forget about it and like to park far away so that I burn the extra calories so I’ve only actually parked in expectant mothers parking twice….
2) ok seriously I’m tapped….there has to be something else…..Oh! Sometimes when people complain about working I say “ya well at least you get to go home and forget about work at the end of the day I am working and spending literally 24/7 growing another human being” but mostly that’s sarcastic cause I get it….work isn’t always fun and people need to vent.
3) ummmm I gonna go get a snack…that will help me think…No I’m really tapped I will come back and add more if I think of them.
What are things that I will not miss? (Keeping in mind this is my personal list)
- Waking up to pee (I hope the waking up to a crying baby stage doesn’t last too long)
- Being the center of attention (again social constructs, I hate feeling like I have to lie to people all the time…also Im tired of talking about it can we talk about you? Or literally anything else)
- This friggen belly (I miss my old shape so much. I worked hard to have enough meat on my bones that I was cuddly but skinny enough to wear cute clothes and be healthy)
- Having to explain that I can’t eat what you are trying to serve me because I am “with child”
- Feeling like a useless homemaker (Taking the laundry up or down the stairs will take all my energy for a whole day)
- Feeling like a useless wife…”honey I know you just worked 8 hours but can you cook dinner? I’m feeling really nauseous” “I know its been a long day but can you rub my back?” This relationship is like 85% him and 15% me right now despite all my best efforts and I hate it!
- Watching what I eat….I know some people find pregnancy freeing. “I’m eating for two” they think. I think that those people give themselves Gestational Diabetes. I have been much more OCD about my diet since getting pregnant…need to eat more veggies for the baby, I really want ice cream but I already had a cookie, baby doesn’t need both. I figure when I pop I should only have 10-15lbs to lose as Ive only gained 20 throughout the pregnancy. Some people gain like 50?? Yikes!!
- Maternity clothes. They still don’t fit right, they are incredibly expensive and often (at this stage of the game uncomfortable). I literally live in yoga pants and cotton tank tops because that’s all I have that is comfortable and fits and I have owned them for years.
- Movement: you mean this???
Ya I wont miss that…
As days are turning to an end (28 sleeps till my due date…well technically 29 cause I haven’t gone to bed yet) I am not consumed with what I will miss but rather I am consumed by something so much bigger than this. (To be continued)